How To Increase Your Self-Esteem | Shamma’s Story

Last week I had a call from a friend – (let’s call her Shamma) who I’ve not spoken to in about 7 years.

It was a call ‘out of the blue’ and a lovely surprise.

Now, when l used to see Shamma often while I was working on a project with her company, she exuded self-confidence, and high self-esteem and nothing seemed to phase her.

Shamma was calling me out of desperation because she felt that the carpet from underneath her had disappeared – she was full of self-doubt.

Here is what caused Shamma to feel like this.

What caused her poor self-esteem?

She’d just received her appraisal from her manager and was rated a 2 – ‘below expectations’ when she had really given 200% over the past year.

Shamma was convinced she’d get a 4 – ‘exceeded expectations’ because she had exceeded her KPIs and covered for two team members.

Not only this, but she also supported her manager during weekends, often missing out on family time.

Shamma was questioning her career, relationships, her thoughts and basically didn’t trust her own opinion.

This was impacting her family life, friendships and her overall well-being.

I felt that Shamma was anxious and just wanted to talk to someone.

I knew that I needed her to ‘reframe’ the way she was viewing the situation to move on – which is difficult, to say the least.

This is what I did.

How To Reframe When You’ve Lost Your Self-Esteem

I asked Shamma to draw two circles overlapping each other and label one ‘In my control’ and the other ‘Out of my control’.

She wrote down all the things that are in her control as we discussed them:

  1. Our attitude
  2. Our behaviours
  3. Our thoughts
  4. Feelings
  5. Emotions
  6. The way we respond to feedback
  7. The way we give feedback
  8. How we communicate; the tone of voice, body language, words used
  9. The quality of our work
  10. How we treat people
  11. If we listen

These are all things she could control, giving her a valuable perspective on the current situation.

Then she wrote down all the things that are out of her control, which were:

  1. Other people’s attitudes, behaviours, thoughts, feelings, emotions
  2. The people we work with
  3. The way they respond to feedback
  4. The way they communicate; their tone of voice, body language, and words used
  5. The quality of their work
  6. How they treat people
  7. If they listen to us
  8. SOPs of a company
  9. Weather
  10. Traffic

Now if we think where we tend to spend most of our time thinking – it’s often in the ‘out of control’ where we have limited impact.

If we take a step back and start focusing on the things that are in our control, things that we can impact, it will help us to shift our focus.

Shamma was focused on the ‘out of control’ – and was hitting a dead end.

After doing the circles of control, Shamma realised that she had nothing to lose and the world to gain by considering that she has much more control over her self-esteem than she thought.

Remember, self-esteem is a state of mind, and it can be changed.

Making the choice to challenge your thinking may change how you think and what you do, now and in the future.

You can only improve your self-esteem if you’re first willing to challenge the negative feelings and judgments you have toward yourself.

Here are 10 practical tips and strategies that I discuss with my clients, which I’d like to share with you:

1. Celebrating Achievements: Relishing in Personal Victories

Celebrate every accomplishment, no matter how small it may seem.

Reflecting on moments when you overcame difficulties and excelled is pivotal.

Whether it is mastering a new recipe or delivering an outstanding presentation, acknowledging these victories enhances your self-confidence and reinforces your belief in your abilities.

It’s a gentle reminder that you possess the capability to rise above challenges.

2. Breaking the Cycle: Combatting Negative Thoughts

Everyone experiences moments of doubt, but it’s essential to challenge such thoughts.

Visualise them as annoying mosquitoes that need to be swatted away.

Counteract negative thoughts with uplifting affirmations. Transform “I can’t do this” to “I can overcome any obstacle in my path”.

It’s about altering your perspective and using apprehension as a stepping stone to excitement and success.

3. Embracing Growth: Learning from Setbacks

Remember those times when things didn’t go as planned? The crucial part is that you stood up again.

By applying this resilience to life’s stumbling blocks and focusing on the acquired lessons rather than the errors, you cultivate a growth mindset.

Transform every misstep into a learning opportunity that fuels your personal development.

4. Discovering Potential: Welcoming the Unknown

Encountering unfamiliar situations, like your first day in a new job or attending an event solo, can be nerve-wracking.

However, stepping into the unknown with an open and curious mind can be exhilarating.

Every new experience, hobby, or skill learned contributes to your repository of self-confidence and personal growth.

5. Expressive Styling: Dressing with Confidence

The right attire can make you feel invincible.

It’s not about impressing others but expressing your unique style and feeling comfortable in your skin.

Identifying and donning your ‘power suit’ can offer a surge of confidence, particularly when you are presenting or speaking publicly.

6. Cultivating Kindness: Practicing Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d extend to a close friend.

Instead of berating yourself for mistakes, acknowledge your imperfections and remember that you are doing your best.

This self-compassion fosters a supportive internal dialogue that can significantly impact your self-esteem.

7. Empowered Boundaries: Learning to Say “No”

Remember, saying “yes” to everything is often saying “no” to your well-being.

Visualise yourself as a resilient individual who can set healthy boundaries.

If a request conflicts with your values or priorities, it’s absolutely acceptable to decline.

This enables you to prioritise self-care and maintain balance in your life.

8. Finding Motivation: Seeking Inspirational Figures

Surrounding yourself with positive role models and inspirational figures can ignite your motivation.

Drawing inspiration from people you admire can provide valuable insights and lessons that can be applied to your journey.

It’s about aligning yourself with positivity and allowing it to fuel your aspirations.

9. Mindful Visualisation: Picturing Success

The act of visualising success is a powerful mental tool that prepares your mind for real-world accomplishments.

Whether it’s excelling in an interview or leading a meeting, mental rehearsal can significantly enhance performance and confidence.

It’s a manifestation of the principle ‘mind over matter.’

10. Grateful Reflection: Practicing Daily Gratitude

Reflecting on simple joys and expressing gratitude daily can shift your focus from lack to abundance.

Acknowledging and appreciating the small, delightful moments enhances overall happiness and builds a more robust and resilient sense of self.

It’s the subtle shift from scarcity to appreciation that cultivates a deeper, more profound confidence within.

Remember, building unshakeable self-confidence is a journey, and every step counts.

Just like you’ve grown and adapted throughout your life, you can nurture your confidence too.

It’s not about being perfect – it’s about being perfectly you.

Embrace your strengths, learn from challenges, and watch your self-confidence flourish.

You’ve got the power within you, and the world is waiting to see it shine! 

Need help with your self-esteem? I want to work with you.

Sign up for Executive Coaching with me today.

“Embrace the journey of building unshakeable self-confidence, where every step is a triumph. Perfection is not the aim; authenticity is. Embrace strengths, face your challenges, and witness your self-assured radiance. Within you, a power awaits to dazzle the world.”

– Natalie Brown
woman, silhouette, sunset-570883.jpg
Picture of Natalie Brown

Natalie Brown

Keynote Speaker, Executive Coach, and Group CEO at Select Training.

Work with me
Picture of Natalie Brown

Natalie Brown

Keynote Speaker, Executive Coach, and Group CEO at Select Training.

Work with me

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *